To Be or Not to Be

I remember back in high school I had an english teacher ask “to be or not to be, that is the question.” Shakespeare, I know, can you get any more basic for an english teacher?

At this point in my life I was a C average student who had just failed PE. I did not care about Shakespeare, and I for sure did not have an answer to this question.

Now I do.

The girl who failed Physical Education (PE)

But first I need to rewind.

I had essentially not tried in high school and felt humiliated during the college application process. Every one of my friends schools were out of my reach, and I would need a strong essay, and lots of prayers to be admitted into university. When I finally got in and went, I promised myself that this was the turning point. I was going to fix my life. I was going to try.

And try I did, twice actually, because I didn’t really find my footing until sophomore year, when I was admitted to the Leeds Business School at the University of Colorado. Sko Buffssss. There, I became determined to get the best job after college, because somewhere along the way I learned that being the best at work would make me feel the best.

Wrong. So wrong. But it would take me three more years to learn that.

The Big Day in Question

After graduation, I became an M&A consultant at a Big 4 firm. On paper, my life was officially on track. Society-approved. Gold star. Success (finally)!

What no one warns you about is the quiet brutality of being 22 to 25 years old. I was making six figures, working insane hours, flying to New York constantly on a client’s budget, and living alone in the nicest studio apartment in the Gold Coast of Chicago. On paper, I had everything. In reality, I had never been more depressed.

Which brings me back to to be or not to be.

It was this intersection of life that plagued my every move. I wasn’t struggling with the to be, I was trapped in the not to be. I kept going because everyone around me was proud. I was rich, I was starting to become successful, but wow was I was miserable. Not to be was screaming at me: this was my life, but I wasn’t living it.

I told myself maybe this was adulthood. Maybe this is what growing up feels like. You keep your head down, you grind, and if you’re lucky, one day you are granted purpose.

I remember flying to New jersey for a client meeting. I had just missed one of my best friend’s birthdays because of work travel, and I noticed this very clear thought: If I don’t change my life, I think I am going to die. Really, I could look up and see my life, but I couldn’t reach it. I was sinking beneath the surface, and no one could see it. To be fair, this was also a period where I surrounded myself with the wrong people, acted from a place of hurt, and felt deeply insecure in my changing body. But hey, I made $100k, so obviously no problems, right?

So why the change? Why now?

Because to be or not to be stopped being a question and became a dare. Was I brave enough to try again? To blow all my money on school in Milan? To move? To jump and pray the universe caught me?

I learned that living is an active choice. One you must make every single day. You don’t get to be passive about it because then to be or not to be stays theoretical. And it was never meant to be. It’s a calling.

A few months after I got my big promotion, I quit. The question finally had an answer. I realized I was more afraid of living an okay life than failing at my own. I would rather fall trying than stand still pretending. And the moment I chose that, everything shifted.

The Day I got my promotion. I really couldn't have done it without my girls!! The DDV 5 Forever!

So, if I had to answer my English teacher now, I’d say to be or not to be is really asking: Do you have your hands on your own life? Because however you answer that is how you plan to live. I guess, after all, I have a thank you to say to Shakespeare. Turns out it wasn’t a basic question at all.

If you can take anything from this, I would recommend remembering that you can throw away your life and start again. You’re the author, the narrator, the main character. Just try. And if you fail, well, it usually makes for a better story anyway.

Xoxo,

Keara

Ps: I am a dyslexic who loves to write, which feels like proof that almost anything is possible.